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Al-Qaida Classic... In
a last ditch effort to settle the strife in the middle east,
the USGA proposes that the outcome of the struggle be settled
by a foursome best-ball golf tournament. While the Al-Qaida
network struggles to retrofit their AK-47's with golf
grips, the U.S. assembles its all-star team of Tiger Woods,
Phil Mickelson, David Duval, and John Daly. Tied after 17
holes, the U.S. team goes with Tiger's monster 360 yard drive
to the 18th green. Meanwhile, the Al-Qaida manage to plant
their ball a foot from the hole with a strategically angled
grenade launcher. Just as they line up their putt, a
tumbleweed from across the sand dunes whips across the green
and knocks their ball into the hole. While the Al-Qaida climb
aboard their camels and fire their semi-automatics in the air
in celebration, the U.S. team each give one another high
fives. Was it a legitimate hole-in-one?
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Caddyshag...
After
numerous bribes and threats, you are finally 'invited' to
participate in the annual Playboy Invitational. Teamed up with
the love doctor himself, Hugh Hefner, the two of you jump into
his pink Cadillac golf cart and drive off to the first tee. As
he downs his fourth dry martini, Hugh snaps his fingers, and
instantly four playboy bunnies playfully bounce from
the gallery and onto his lap. While two of the bunnies proceed
to clean his balls, the other two grab his bag and pull
out a club. Before heading off to the tee-box Hugh gathers the
bunnies into a group hug, as all four bunnies offer their
advice on how to play the hole. Did Hugh break any rules? (Answer:
Since players can only consult one caddie during the course of
a round, Hugh will have to escort three of his bouncing
bunnies back to the club house.) |
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The
Incorrigible Hulk...
David Banner and Hulk Hogan meet at the clubhouse for a
friendly round of golf. Hulk shows up in a yellow tear-away
jumpsuit, about twenty minutes late for their scheduled
tee-off. David shrugs it off, and both head out for their
round. About half an hour into the round, and thirteen shots
back, David begins to show signs of irritation. At the par
three fifth, Hulk sneezes just as David goes to address his
ball. In a blurring torrent of roars, flailing limbs,
and ripped clothing, David loses all composure and rips his
driver into the ground, excavating a 4 ton plot of real estate
which launches 190 yards towards the green, crashing
inches beside Hulk's ball, and causes it do drop into the
hole. Can Hulk proceed
to the next hole having sunk a
"hole-in-one"? (Answer: According
to Rule 18-1, the plot of land which David excavated was an outside
agency which caused Hulk's ball to drop into the hole. Hulk should replace
his ball, and David, after regaining his composure (and putting his pants
back on), should promptly replace his 4 ton divot.) |
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Lion
Line...
At Disney's African Lion Safari Pro-Am, you and Michael Jordan
approach the first tee surrounded by a herd of zebras, a
gaggle of flamingos, two calling birds, and partridge in a
palm tree. At the third tee, the hot Sahara winds begin to
pick up, as you approach your ball on the fairway. With a low
flying iron shot, your balls bullets towards the green, and
strikes an unaware lion in the back of its mane. Before you
can say "Hakoona-matata", the lions mate
dashes towards your twosome. Thinking on your feet, you smack
your 3 iron into Michael's shin, and dash towards the green,
while the lioness chases down your hobbling partner. You make
it safely to the green, and with the help of the unconscious
lion guarding your putt from the wind, you sink a beautiful 30
footer. Did you do anything wrong? (Answer: According
to Rule 1-2, you indirectly influenced the movement of the ball by
shielding the ball from the wind, and should thus sustain a one stroke
penalty.) |
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The
Mangiest Hobo...
You're at the Purina Invitational with a formidable 4 stroke
lead over the rest of the 'pack'. With only three holes left
to play, an alarm sounds suddenly. You turn to see what the
fuss is about, and realize that the private course has been
raided by a pack of wild slobbering dogs. With an eight iron
in one hand, and a half empty bottle of beer in the other, you
defend your ball with the strength and courage of ten green
berets. After a grueling three hour battle, the pack retreats
to the streets with their tails and your sand wedge between
their legs, and you begin to recompose yourself. You lick
your club to clean off the dog slobber and proceed to plant a
beautiful approach shot three feet from the cup. As you go to
replace your divot, an official comes by and slaps you with a
one stroke penalty. What did you do wrong? (Answer:
Your licking the ball is seen to be as applying an agent to
influence the movement of the ball.) |
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Magnum
Force... At the 2nd annual Honolulu Dried-Up Celebrity
Pro-Am, you and Tattoo from "Fantasy Island" are
teamed up against Tom Selleck and T.C. (his friend and chopper
pilot) from "Magnum PI". Turns out Tattoo is a 2
handicap, and after the third hole, your twosome has a
commanding 4 stroke lead. At the fifth hole, Magnum decides to
level the playing field (literally), and whips out a bazooka
which he apparently stole from the set of his now defunct
hit-TV show. The rocket soars across the fairway and plants
itself inches away from your ball, unexploded. Should you
declare the ball unplayable and take a stroke under Rule 28
(ball unplayable)? (Answer: Under Rule
1-4/10, it would be unreasonable for you to play the ball considering
the possible threat to your life. You are permitted to take relief from
your position without penalty, so long as your new position is not closer
to the hole.) |
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Houston,
we have a problem... Having mastered golf on earth,
Tiger decides to join the inter-stellar golf league during the
off season. At the annual Milky Way Classic, Tiger tees
it up at the first hole - a 3,900,540 mile par 3. In his usual
fashion, he winds up for his drive, though not yet accustomed
to zero-gravity (let alone golfing in a 230 pound space suit),
he swings, and misses. While he goes back to address the ball,
his space club accidentally strikes the ball and sends it careening
into Earths atmosphere. Should he get a penalty stroke? (Answer:
When
Tiger swung at the ball the first time, that was considered a stroke. The
fact that he hit it accidentally afterwards, means he should incur a one
stroke penalty under Rule 18-2b (moving ball). Tiger should use his
jet pack and chase down his ball to re-tee.) |
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Just
Passing Through...
On your last day of vacation in South
Florida, you get out to the course at the crack of dawn one
last time before heading back to that frozen hell you
call home. For the fifth day straight, you're partnered with
one of the retired locals. Half blind and three quarters deaf,
"Junior" insists on teeing off from the golds
despite his sub-100 yard drives, while his yappy Schnauzer
cheers him on from the cart. On the fairway of the sixth
hole, Junior find his ball caked in three inches of mud, picks
it up and tosses it to his dog. The dog obliges, taking the
ball in its mouth then, and after a few seconds, spits it out
spotless - out the 'other' end. Besides breaching various
municipal bylaws, did Junior
break any golf rules? (Answer: Since
Junior failed to inform you before he picked up his ball, he was in breach
of Rule 12-2. Also, since he didn't mark the ball before picking it
up, he broke Rule 20-1. And because he cleaned it excessively, he
also broke Rule 21. However, he's only penalized a total of one
stroke for the first offence.) |
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Oh
Joy, Foot
At the final round of the Foot-Joy Classic,
Sergio Garcia and Ernie Els are both tied for the lead at the
17th hole. While Sergio struggles to keep pace, Ernie
distracts him with his cunning psychological war tactics -
like making farting noises while he putts, and yelling
"hey, batter, batter, swing!". At the 18th hole,
Sergio plants his drive into a bunker and risks losing the
tournament. Ernie walks over to Sergio and jokingly points at
his ball with his foot, just as Sergio's about to take a
practice swing. In a flash, Ernie's foot is cut cleanly from
his leg, is tossed into the air and falls back into the
bunker. Apologetically, Sergio picks up the severed foot and
tosses it to Ernie. Did Sergio break any rules? (Answer:
By moving the foot, Sergio must take two penalty strokes
breach of Rule 13-4c, which states that you cannot move
a loose impediment from a hazard.) |
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Wall-Dorf
At the Walldorf Pro-Am Invitational, you
get teamed up with Tim Conway, who reeks of crantinis and margaritas.
By the second hole, Tim's on his sixteenth vodka cooler,
while you work on your fifteenth stroke. On the third fairway,
with your ball sitting behind an out of bounds fence (but
still in play), Tim's holler's out some incoherent drunken
insult which pushes you over the edge. You walk over to Tim
and knee him on the side of the head hoping to knock some
sense into him. Bad move. Tim wobbles over to you on his
knees, and head butts you in the groin, causing you to crash
over the fence. While you slowly regain consciousness, you
notice that you've cleared the way for your shot. Was this
legal? (Answer: By moving the fence, you were in
infringement of Rule 13-2, which states that you cannot
move any immovable object.)
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Mr.
Sandman At the Kansas City
Twister Invitational, you and few other desperate mini-tour hopefuls
are caught amidst a level 5 tornado. With only 2 more holes
to finish, the organizers reassure you that "it's just a little
breeze", and that you can safely continue play. On your
approach shot to the 17th green, you notice that a twister has
ripped through the greenside bunkers (and the spectator stands) and
scattered the sand (and spectators) across the fringe. As luck
would have it, your ball lands dead center of the mess. Should you
play your ball as though it were in the bunker? (Answer:
Since the sand lies outside of the confines of the bunker,
then your ball is not considered to be in a hazard.)
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Jurassic
Par
At the Jurassic Par
Invitational, you and Jeff Goldblum are partnered up against Tiger
Woods and Ernie Els. To no ones surprise, you trail the dream team
by 14 strokes after only the second hole. By the third hole, you decide to even the playing
field by employing Jeff's intimate
knowledge of the local wildlife. With a series of tongue
clicks and grunts, Jeff manages to attract a half-dozen raptors to
the fairway which promptly proceed to consume Tiger, Ernie and few
other misplaced spectators in a gruesome, yet efficient manner.
After the well fed dinosaurs have waddled off into the bushes, you
notice that your approach shot has landed in the footprint of one
of the feeding animals. Can you take relief from the bad lie? (Answer: No - According
to Rule 25/19.5, animal footprints are considered to be part of the
natural lay of the course, and thus no relief can be taken.)
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Hot
Wheels
On a hot, sunny
Georgia morning, Bo and Luke decide to go out for a round on the
local links. Tied after three holes, Bo hooks a drive into the
parking lot and under the boys' Dodge Charger. Suddenly, no sooner
that you could say "Roscoe P. Coltrane", Boss Hog
rips out of the rough in his police cruiser and chases the boys
across the fairway. Faster than a pair of wild horses, the boys slip
across the hood of General Lee and lead the Boss on a county wide
chase. Three hours later, and having lost the Boss on yet another
dirt-road-pursuit-gone-bad, the boys return to the course to
finish their round. Luckily, Bo's ball was unmoved during the ruckus
and Bo decides to continue play. Is this allowed? (Answer:
Yes - the car was a movable object, thus not penalty was
incurred.)
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Door
Crasher At Saskatoon's
annual "Wheaties Pro-Am", you're on the eighteenth tee,
when your drive slices viciously to the right and through the window
of a nearby barn (which is considered to be "part of the
course"). With only a one stroke lead over Bob Barker,
you decide that desperate times call for desperate measures. You
crack open the barn door, address your ball, and play a beautiful
hook through the open door, and onto the green. While the crowd
erupts into a loud, cheering frenzy, Bob Barker drops his glove and
delivers a series of kidney punches that drops you like a bundle of soiled
hay. Did you break any rules by opening the barn door? (Answer:
No - it was a movable object, thus no penalty was incurred.)
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Ooooo
Daisy! You're at the
companies annual golf tournament, and as luck would have it, you're
partnered up with Gene, the Executive VP. Besides having robbed you
of your promotion, your wife, and your parking spot at work, he's
also a scratch golfer, a great lover (according to your now
ex-wife) and a renowned practical joker. On the fifth hole, and up
$1500 in side bets, Gene plants an approach shot 3 inches from the
hole. Adding insult to injury, he plucks a daisy and marks his ball
with it, as a reminder to you that you still have a 55 foot putt.
With that straw finally breaking your back, you lunge at Gene and in
Tyson-esque fashion, manage to gnaw off his ear. With Gene
unconscious on the green, you putt your ball within an inch of the
hole and mark it with the severed ear. As the police escort you into their
cruiser, remorse sets in and you ask yourself, "Did Gene
actually break rules by using the daisy as a ball marker? and did I
remember to turn off the stove this morning?" (Answer: No
Penalty... and yes, your house burnt down.)
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Tree
hugger
On the third hole
of the Greenpeace Invitational, you rip a 320 foot drive down the
right fairway. After ricocheting off several spectators' skulls and
a nest of squirrels, your ball disappears somewhere into the woods.
Determined not to lose your eighth ball straight, you rip off your
shirt and run into the forest screaming like a deranged baboon.
Instinctively, you lunge at the first oak tree that you meet, and as
luck would have it, your ball is dislodged and plops to the ground,
inches from your feet. Since you never actually 'touched' the ball,
you recompose yourself (picking the tree bark splinters from your
lips), and continue with play. Besides ruining your chances of ever
playing at that course again, were you in infraction of any rules
(besides the courses dress code)? (Answer: Take two penalty strokes
under Rule 18-2a)
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Simma
down na! Each Tuesday, you
and your pastor enjoy a competitive round of golf at the local
course - this week, you've wagered your soul for the keys to his
Benz. By the third hole, and two strokes behind, you notice that the
group behind you has been consistently hitting balls into your
twosome. On the fifteenth hole, a ball just clears your skull, as
you putt your fifth straight three-putt. With your soul only three
holes away from eternal damnation, you walk over to the other
groups ball and wack it into the forest. Of course little did you
know that the group following were ex-members of the Hungarian
weight lifting team. While 'Dimitri'
is beating you to a gelatinous pulp, you ask yourself, "Did I
break any rules by hitting his ball? (Answer: Take two penalty
strokes under Equity Rule 1-4.)
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Bear
Lie!
On the 18th fairway,
and 2 strokes ahead of the pack, you approach your ball with the
sweet smell of victory in the air. Suddenly, a bear rips out of the
woods, grabs the egg salad sandwich from your cart, then
squats on your ball while he proceeds to enjoy the remains of your
lunch. Knowing better than to approach a squatting bear, you
patiently wait as the bear eventually wobbles off into the woods. In
disgust, you see that Mr. Bear has left a steaming pile of bear
"treats" beside your ball. With the vile stench of
decomposing bear feces suddenly assaulting your senses, you
kick your ball a few inches from the mound, and proceed to make your
shot? Do you accrue a penalty? (Answer: Rule 1-3 says
you do! Take two penalty strokes.)
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WWFore!...
At the
WWF Charity Pro-Am, you get paired up with Cheyna, wrestling diva
and scratch golfer. By the third hole, and after a few vodka
coolers, you become a little more relaxed around the bikini donning
beauty. After the sixth hole, the cart girl has resigned herself to
simply driving you around the course rather than respond to your
constant beckoning from across the fairway. In your carefree and
semi-conscious state, you turn to Cheyna and mumble some comment
about wanting to 'address' her ball (whatever that means).
Before you can follow that charming comment with another, Cheyna has
you perched across her behemoth shoulders 8 feet from the ground.
With a thud, you come crashing down on the green, and unbeknownst to
you, the shock wave causes your ball to fall into hole. Were you in
breach of Rule 1-2 (exerting influence on ball). (Answer:
Since you didn't purposely cause the ball to drop into the hole, you
should not be penalized under Rule 1-2. Not that it
matters much at this point. The matter of extracting your putter
from where she shoved has taken a slight priority.)
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Give
it up!
You
wake up to the smell of freshly squeezed orange juice and pancakes
which mom has waiting for you in the kitchen. After putting on your
duds which she laid out for you on your dresser the night before,
you head downstairs for a quick bite before you jump into your Audi
TT - which Dad bought you for your 16th, and head off to meet your
bud for a round at the country club. You both pull up to the first
teebox in your individual carts, and before teeing off, both agree
to concede any putts shorter than 5 yards. Is this allowed? (Answer:
Rule 1-3 says your both disqualified. You're outta there!)
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Flagstick
Tom-foolery Taking the day
off work to hit a round with the father-in-law, you arrive at the
first tee to see that the group ahead of you consists of four, Ecstasy-doped,
teeny-bopper "ravers". Later in the day, on your approach
to the third hole, you notice that the flagstick's been speared into
the green, about 10 feet from the cup. In a savage rage you catch
one of the ravers and beat him senseless with his glowsticks,
while your father-in-law chases down the remaining three with his
remote controlled electronic caddie. After you've both regained your
composure, you return to the green to finish the hole. Are you both
permitted a replay? (Answer: Nope! Equity Rule 1-4 says
you've both gotta play it as it lies.)
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