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As
part of an anger management program, Phil's specialist encourages him to
play his next round of golf with an 'imaginary ball'. Deciding to give it
a try, Phil shows up to the course the very next day and meets up with
another golfer enrolled in the same program.
Both
golfers tee up their imaginary ball on the par 3 first, and as luck would
have it, they both plant their balls within a foot of the hole.
After
seventeen holes of multiple birdies, eagles and the occasional albatross,
and with a one stroke lead, Phil tees it up at the eighteenth, and surely
enough, plants a miraculous drive inches from the cup. Phil's opponent
follows suit and does the same.
At
the green, Phil lines up and putts. "Woohoo!", Phil exclaims,
"You won't believe it! The ball went in! I win!".
The
other guy looks into the cup, picks up the 'imaginary ball' and replies,
"You won't believe it either - you just hit my ball."
Anonymous
An
attractive woman walks into the pro shop and asks the guy behind the
counter, "Are you the manager?".
"Uh,
no" the guy replies, obviously taken aback by this stunning beauty.
She
begins to caress his bushy beard. "Can you get him please - I really
need to see him" she whispers into his ear.
"Sorry,
he's uh, busy - is there something I can help you with?" he whimpers
back.
Running
her hands beyond his beard and into his hair, she leans over the counter,
runs her fingertips over his lips and whispers, "Tell him there's no
toilet paper in the ladies' room."
P.
Hartman, ID
Julio
stands over his ball at the tee for what seems like an eternity: adjusting
his grip, waggling his club, centering his feet, looking down the fairway.
Frustrated, his golf partner Spud calls out, "What the heck is taking
you so long?!"
"My
ex-wife is at the clubhouse watching - I want to make this drive perfect."
Julio replies.
Spud
looks down the fairway towards the clubhouse, back at Julio, then replies,
"Forget it man... you'll never reach her from here."
Anonymous
A
guy's been stranded on a deserted island for ten years when out of the
blue, a beautiful woman swims to shore. The woman walks up to the guys and
asks, "Hi, when's the last time you had a cigarette?"
"Geez,
for as long as I've been on this island - ten years!" he replies. The
girl unzips a small pocket on her wetsuit and pulls out a cigarette.
"How
long has it been since you've had a drink?" she then asks.
"Just
as long!" he gasps, to which she unzips another small zipper and
pulls out a flask.
Finally,
the woman begins to unzip the front of her wetsuit, and asks the guy,
"When's the last time you've played around?"
Astonished
the guy replies, "Wow! Don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs
in there!?"
C.
Staples, CT
An
odd couple are having some intimacy problems so they decide to drive out
to the country to see a counselor. After a few sessions, the counselor one
days walks up to the woman, and plants a huge kiss on her lips.
"See?
That's what she needs every day of the week", says the
counselor.
"Well",
replies the husband, "I drive in and drop her off Monday through
Friday, but Saturday and Sunday are my golf days."
Anonymous
Jeff walks into the
clubhouse, approaches the cute girl behind the snack bar and orders a
Gatorade, a chocolate bar, and peanuts. The girl gives him his order, then
says with a smile, "Are you single?".
Happily, Jeff replies,
"Yeah I am - how'd you guess?"
The girl answers,
"'Cause you're ugly."
J. Shore, CT
A rabbi and a priest are out
golfing with their club pro one day. The priest goes to tee up the ball,
then makes the sign of the cross with his club over the ball, and
addresses the ball. The club pro leans over to the rabbi and asks,
"What's that supposed to do?"
The rabbi whispers back,
"Not a hell of alot when you're a 25 handicap."
Anonymous
Pud and Montey were sitting
at the nineteenth hole nursing their beers when Montey says to Pud,
"You know, I'm not too crazy about that new Pro they've got working
here."
"Leroy? Why's
that?" asks Pud.
"Well, today he
approached me before our round and helped me work on my stance."
"What's wrong with
that - sound like he's just trying to give you a hand." replied Pud.
"Here's the
thing", Montey answered, "I was using the urinal at the
time."
Anonymous
Jack and Gary were
having a discussion about why they love the game of golf so much.
"I'd say it's
the great outdoors, the exercise, and the challenge, that makes this
game so great," Jack says to Gary.
"Sh*t!"
snorts Jack, as he hooks his third drive into the rough. "All I
can say is, in no other sport would your wife let you hang out with
a bunch of 'hookers'."
D. Wilson, FL
After church one
Sunday, Ernie walks up to his pastor and quietly asks him,
"Father, is it a sin to golf on a Sunday."
The pastor takes
Ernie aside and replies, "Ernie, I've seen you play. Any day is
a sin."
T. Aimes, FL
What's the
difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
The bad golfer goes:
WHACK... 'Damn!"
The bad skydiver
goes: "Damn!"...WHACK
Anonymous
One night, Phil asks
his wife, "Honey, if I died would you eventually
remarry?"
"Well, I
suppose I'd need companionship, so yes I would."
"Would the two
of you live in this house?" Phil asked.
"It's a nice
house; we've done a lot of work on it - I figure we'd probably
stay."
Gasping in
disbelief, he finally asks, "Well, would he use my golf
clubs?"
"Don't be silly
honey. Of course not", she replied, "he's a lefty."
P. Fields, MI
A 90 year old man
walks into a clubhouse and asks the pro for lessons. Surprised, the
pro asks, "Have you ever played?", to which the old man
replies, 'no'.
The pro takes the
gentleman to the first tee and gives him some quick pointers on
stance, grip, and the swing, then tells him to simply "hit the
ball from the tee to the green." With that, the old man grabs a
club from the bag, then proceeds to rip a beautiful drive down the
center of the fairway and onto the green.
The old man turns to
the pro and asks, "That was simple enough - what do I do
now?" Still in awe, the pro replies, "...uhh, now all you
have to do is put the ball in the hole."
The old man rolls
his eyes and says, "Great! Now you tell me!"
Anonymous
Ernie and Gary were
drowning a few at the clubhouse when Gary sobs about his stolen
wallet.
"Why don't you
report your credit cards stolen?" asks Ernie.
"What
for?" blurts out Gary. "So far, the thief's been spending
less than the Mrs."
P. Fields, CO
On a Sunday morning, St.
Peter and God are looking down at Earth, and they both notice a
priest teeing off on the third hole of a golf course. St. Peter
turns to God and gasps, "Blasphemy! That Priest ought to be
punished for playing golf on such a holy day."
With that, God waved his hand, and
the Priests tee shot plunked straight into the hole."
"A hole in one?" St. Peter
exclaims. "That's how you punished him?"
God grins and replies, "Yes, a
hole in one... but who's he going to tell?"
B. Marshall, AK
Sergio's errant drive
lands in the middle of a farmer's field. An old farmer yells out
form his porch, "Ya want that ball, do ya? Well, 'fraid I'll
have to challenge ya to a nut-kickin'."
Looking at the old-timer, Sergio
thinks to himself, "That old fart couldn't do much harm. I'll
play along." The two agree that the old farmer will go first,
and in a flash the farmer drops Sergio to his knees.
After 15 minutes of coughing and
wheezing, Sergio struggles to his feet and says, "Good one. Ok,
my turn." The farmer starts walking back towards his house and
replies, "Changes my mind... keep the friggin' ball."
J.Seemore, IL
An old-timer brags
to Tiger that he usually plays "in the low eighties".
"Wow! That's
pretty amazing at your age," replies Tiger.
"Not
really," says the old-timer. "Any higher and I'd probably
die of heat stroke."
A.Weekes, WI
Bobby Joe and Sue-Ellen
are playing a 185 yard par 3, when a streaker suddenly dashes out of
the woods across the fairway.
Bobby Jose turns to Sue and asks,
"I think I know that guy...isn't that Dick Green?"
"No," replies Sue Ellen,
"I think it's a reflection of the grass."
A.Lowen, ID
Al and Peggy are on the
third green, when Peggy lines up and misses a short putt. Al scoffs
and says, "Pfff...I can't believe you missed that! That putt
was shorter than my @#$!"
Peggy turns to Al and responds,
"Yes dear...but this was much harder."
P.Hill, MO
Two old timers are
standing by a stream, looking for each others drive. One turns to
the other, pointing to two fisherman further down the stream,
"Look at those two idiots...fishing in the rain."
L.
Powell, MN
Dino joins an older gent
on the course and notices that he's got his dog tagging along. On
the first green, the older gent gracefully one putts a 20 footer
putt, after which the dog begins to walk around the green on his
hind legs.
Astounded, Dino asks, "Wow!
What a great trick! What does he do when you two putt?". The
elder man responds, "He somersaults."
"Somersaults?", Dino asks.
"How many can he do?"
"Well...," he thinks,
"Depends on how hard I kick him in the ass."
M. Peters, TX
Jack limps into the
clubhouse with a bag of ice on his crown jewels. Phil asks
him, "Hey Jack - how'd you play... and what's with the ice
bag?" Jack moans out, "Lousy - the best two balls I hit
all day was when stepped on a rake."
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